have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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