im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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