he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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