i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
