Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
