Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize