i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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