shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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