Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
