Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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