I think i peed on brittanys purse
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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