im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
