bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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