they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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