My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
