I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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