I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
