I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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