You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
