Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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