you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
