He uses pillows to masturbate.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
