So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
