So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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