Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
