And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
