I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
