I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
