I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
