I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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