I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
