I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
