k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
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