i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
