I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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