I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
