that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
