I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
