trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How does one acquire holy water?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
