Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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