I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
