you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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