he puts the penis in happiness.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
