do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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