I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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