My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
