I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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