Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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