Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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