She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This toilet bowl is my home.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
