allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Hippo gnu deer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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