Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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