Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
