Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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