the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
