thus making me awesome and them whores
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Enjoy the penises
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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