the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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